JASON GETS A NEW DOG From a letter by Jason Jonker to Jeff VandenBerg, the illustrator who just can't seem to help himself.
So I got a dog... Someone ripped off our car, and I decided we needed a dog. We picked him up at the human society.
	The info sheet on the dog says he is a shar-pei mix. Mostly, he's mix. As for the shar-pei... I don't see it. I think they figured it made the dog more adoptable if he had at least the appearance of a pedigree. His name is Ozzie, which I can't stand. I call him Piojos, which means fleas in Spanish.
Well last night we left Piojos outside all night in the backyard. His first big night alone. The first night we put him on a short leash just outside the front door. He had no room to move but seemed to like being close to the door.
	I wasn't sure how he was going to react to his new surroundings, so I was happy to see him wagging his tail in the morning when I went to give him his vitamin and antibiotic. (He has "kennel cough", a truly vicious form of canine cold that many dogs pick up while they are in the joint.)
When I finished feeding him his pills which I wrapped in a ball of cheese, I realized that the majority of the dogs bones and toys were gone. In fact only one bone remained.
	It turns out our "guard dog", that vicious, territorial beast, let other dogs come into the yard and take all of his personal belongings. I have no doubt that Piojos gave up the toys willingly. I think he believes that being so generous will make him very popular with the neighborhood pooches, which is probably true, but selfless goodwill is not a desirable trait in a new guard dog.
The dog books suggest two strategies for dealing with a reluctant guard dog.
	One is to call on your dogs territorial instincts by beginning to bark when a strange dog approaches. Several books say that this can release ancient responses to intruders and teach your dog what you expect of him.
A variation on this is to have a neighbor put a paper bag on his head and run at the dog in a threatening way.
	So far I haven't found any takers on that one, but if my dog isn't frightened by the meth tweekers that inhabit south Phoenix on a Saturday night, I don't know what a guy with a paper bag on his head is going to do.
Now the second strategy they suggest is to build your dogs self esteem by rough housing with him. They suggest playing tug-o-war and letting the dog win so that he will feel powerful.
	I'm not to sure about this method either. Remember in high school, the guys you had to watch out for weren't the secure, well adjusted guys on the basketball team. The guys you had to avoid were guys that were picked on or ostracized in the lower grades. I mean who did you fear more James Voskiul or that or that chubby guy with the slimy glasses and b.o.?
You never knew what he was capable of;
	one minute he was a sullen, pitiful object of ridicule, the next he would lash out at someone with years of pent up rage and anguish.
I was thinking that maybe my dog is such a lackluster guard dog because he feels so secure and well adjusted that he believes he can solve problems without resorting to such base behaviors as barking, growling and snapping at strangers. I just need to give the dog a reason to fight and be unstable. My plan is simple: I will dress my dog in high heels and fishnet stockings and take him for a walk through the barrio. I am certain that when the other dogs see his they will jeer and ridicule him to the point that he will become dangerously unstable.
	After a week or two of humiliation treatment I should have the best guard dog in Phoenix.

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